Which Way to Turn

I think that I understand the dilemma that you are in. It sounds like you want to accept yourself, while at the same time your not sure that you like the self that you see. I can offer these two paths for you to consider.

I think that first you need to ask yourself if you feel that being a big person is how you just feel right. That is, some people feel naturally like themselves carrying more weight than the Vogue fashion magazines depict. Such people would not feel normal if they were skinny.

In my own case, I paint, I make art. I can imagine a world where I don’t make art, where I have a full time high paying career, or where I live the life of a monastic who is dedicated to serving others. But when I imagine myself stopping painting to devote myself entirely to either of these two pursuits, I just can’t see doing it. Making art is very important to me for some reason that I don’t really understand. It’s just part of the way I am, and I respect this.

There are things about us that we can imagine that our lives might be better if things were a different way, but they are really just part of how we are. I have learned this over the years that this is how art is for me. If this is how “being a bit chubby” is for you, than I say embrace yourself, this is just how you are. And don’t worry about acceptance; I have known plenty of big people who have devoted partners who really are very attracted to big people.

If on the other hand that you don’t naturally see yourself as a big person, then you have the other consideration that I have to give to you. Maybe the self that you need to accept is a self that is a little more difficult for you to accept. Maybe you need to accept that you have the type of body that needs to be exercised regularly in order to burn off the calories that it takes in during the course of a normal day.

I read in a great book on fitness by Dr. Bob Arnot that the body must consume more calories each day than it needs in order to get a sufficient amount of the nutrients that it needs. In other words dieting is not a long-term solution to weight loss because your body needs the food that you are trying to deny yourself. Therefore, the only realistic option is to do enough physical activity to burn off those calories. Sometimes we just need to accept that this is how things are: that we have to do some exercise in order to maintain our health.

If this is the case with your body, as it is for me with mine, then I suggest that you find some kind of exercise practice that you enjoy doing. It is surprising that many people don’t know how wonderful exercise can make them feel. Perhaps their only experience with exercise was with some boring high school phys ed. class, so they have no experience with how much fun, exhilarating, refreshing and clearing that a pleasant workout can be.

If you don’t already have an exercise practice that you really enjoy doing, then I have this warning. Before you start doing an exercise program bear this in mind: first find an activity that interests you and that you could see yourself enjoy doing; two, start out slowly (at first only 5 minutes might be all that you can comfortably do – and that’s ok – you’ll do more and more as time goes along); three, find an activity to do that is an aerobic activity (that means it gets your heart and breath rate going), so some things that are slower activities might not be a good choice.

Be wary of borderline activities that are fun but don’t burn calories unless you really push at them (like cycling, swimming, walking). Lot’s of the women that I know either take fitness classes, dance classes (belly dancing), martial arts, rowing, jogging, or enjoying music while on the treadmill at the local gym.

If you’re too embarrassed to go to a fitness class, take the chance anyway, because I think that you will find a lot of support there for what you are doing. Remember you are not trying to be an athlete. You are going out to enjoy yourself, just as you did when you were a child running around the house.

Take that same spirit of freedom and joy and enjoy your body’s life.

A Dozen Ways to Say "I Love You"

When you’re ready to accept that you’re not a perfect person, and realize that you are who you are (with all your faults), then you will not continue this incessant battle with your self-esteem.

You will not have to worry about having high or low self-esteem because you will just be who you are. So grounded, you will meet other people who also have their own “faults” and you will be able to accept them as well, just as they are.

You’re right; no one will be able to give you the acceptance that you deny yourself (although you are never separated from the Highest Truth).

When you accept yourself as you are, then you have nothing to lose (except your time and your heart) in participating with others.

Skullfully

Once, I had been sitting for several hours, outside, over at the nearby university. I was sitting on a low wall, and leaning against the side of the large building. A little bird flew down and landed in front of me. It asked if it could sit upon my shoulder. (Don’t ask me how I knew this – it certainly didn’t speak.) I told it that it could do so. (And in the same manner, I don’t know how I did this – I certainly didn’t speak.)

Then it flew over to land on my shoulder. Unfortunately, I was not used to birds landing on my shoulder, and when its wings got close to the side of my head I became concerned that they might brush against my eyes. So I ducked to the side. The poor birdie fluttered in mid air for a few seconds, its perch (my shoulder) suddenly gone, and then flew to the ground, then flew off. I’m afraid that I wasn’t a very good host.

A couple of years later, I was again sitting for some hours over at the campus. I sat in just the same place as before. This time a dragonfly landed in front of me. Remembering my previous encounter, I invited the dragonfly to sit upon the front of my shirt. (Don’t ask me how I did this – I certainly didn’t speak.) However, it only felt comfortable enough to fly over and sit upon my arm.

We looked at each other amazed. It was iridescent blue, with delicate lacy wings. Its eyes bulged huge above its head. After awhile, I suppose we each were becoming a little bored with our mutual examinations, and I wondered if it might bite me. And then, I sensed that it wondered if I might bite it. Just then he flew away – choosing the more cautious course of action.

These moments truly are precious.

The Seven Winds

I think that it is important to recognize that Zen is not a path to enlightenment, but a path of enlightenment.

To practice Zen is to practice the way, and that way includes realizing enlightenment. It is not some prize that you get only after decades of struggle. Realizing enlightenment occurs just as we are, whenever there is the practice of Zen.

I understand that it is easy to think that more is better. But this is not the way of Zen. It is better to know your true self, just as you are, than to search for some ideal that seems to be appealing, but after all, is not what you really are at one with.

The Emptiness of Zero

Perhaps it might help if you realized that those “other people” are suffering just as much as you are. (Prejudice and intolerance are really just the outward faces of deep fear and insecurity.) Would you not offer them the same kindness, compassion, and understanding that you would want for yourself?

For me, the way of the Buddha is to follow the path of truth. And in the light of truth we see the emptiness of self. And in the emptiness of self, we see the emptiness of anger and fear (not that they don’t still grip you by the balls). But you go on one day at a time, and in practice (of the Buddha way) the ocean of emptiness washes over “you” again. And I find that in the Truth of the moment the way of understanding and compassion is realized.


Many years ago I did a bit of simple arithmetic. If I set out to “get even” with those who wronged me, then considering all the “wrongs” that modern society confronts us with, I would have to spend most of my life getting back at people. Since I could see little joy in a life filled with vindictiveness, I decided it would be better to just move on.

No Chance

You have a choice to make. You can either have your questions answered or you can practice meditation. One or the other. If you choose to practice meditation, then you shall have to dump all of these questions into the trashcan: watch them come and watch them go – boom.

Secondly, if you try to have your questions answered you will be throwing away one of the greatest opportunities you can have: to learn about the truth with a fresh, unprogrammed mind. You would be giving up the chance to see the Truth as it presents itself, just as it is, learning about it, discovering it like another “world” just found. And this is the best way of seeing it – in fact, really the only way of knowing it.

No one can describe this to you because they would only be telling you their version of what they experienced, in words far removed from the actual experience itself.

And then, should you find what they told you, you would not be realizing the truth, you would be seeing just what someone told you was the truth. How could you know it was really the actual Truth or just the tale you had been told?

Knowing the highest truth is not like being a tourist with a travel brochure – be sure to catch the aurora borealis as you enter the infinite. It is a path of discovering yourself, your true self, and no one can tell you what that is like. That is something you will just have to find out.

Have patients and compassion for your self in your practice. It’s worth it.

Family Matters

Early in the 70’s, after I had had some profound experiences while practicing Zen, I sought out compatriots with whom I might take up residence – to find a mutually supportive group to practice with.

While I learned of, and visited several Zen Centers, they were all founded upon the protocol of the residents being under the dominion of the teacher. But, upon interview with said teacher, frankly there were several gaps in their understanding that even I could see (I’m trying to put this politely). Thus, I found no refuge in these sanghas.

Finally, Suziki-Roshi’s collected lectures were published. And, after reading them I felt that this would be someone in whose Center I might find refuge. Eagerly, I turned to the back of the book to see where he was located, only to learn that he had died a couple of years earlier. Although, I have dropped into the SFZC from time to time, I have somehow never had that same feeling about the place. I do have a lot of respect, though, for the place and what they are trying to do.

I’ve learned a lot from my successes. But, I’ve learned just as much, if not more, from my numerous failures.

The dharma reveals itself just as much on the path of the common man as it does the saint. Your only job is to witness its unfoldment while you traverse that path. Loving kindness, compassion, these must include your own self.

The Buddha Way is not something that we attach ourselves to, like it was a rock. It’s really more like a way to remind ourselves of our true nature. And it’s in the truth of the self that Way is lived.

The Meaning of the Eternal

My journey with art began about 40 years ago when, as a child, I received my first drawing set. My deep interest in practicing art, however, has been subsumed by an even greater interest in the path of my spiritual practice, which is Zen. Thus my life has been a mixture of these two, sometimes coinciding, sometimes colliding. Sometimes I manage to do one or the other, sometimes both, and sometimes neither.

My greatest joy is in working with oils. However, given the demands on my time, my production of pieces over the decades has not been numerous. It’s been more of a slow steady work. I use traditional painting techniques, but shun formalist stylings.

Owing to the very spiritual nature of my work, I prefer to begin my practice of art with an invocation. It goes something like this:

Dear Gods and Goddesses,
Angels and Muses,
Of Art and of Painting.
Please bless this work today.
Please bless this studio,
Please bless these tools and materials,
Please bless these pieces,
Please bless this Artist and this activity,
And please bless this website.
Bless us with talent and ability,
Bless us with strength and courage,
Bless us with wisdom and knowledge,
And all the other wonderful things that you so generously give.
Thank you for all that you have given in the past,
And for all that you will give in the future.
It is very appreciated.

Can Do

I would just like to say that as we grow up we find that there are some things we can do and that there are some things that we are just not cut out to do.

Sometimes we are not cut out to do exceptional things like being a pro athlete, and while we might harbor a lingering dream throughout life about how great it would have been to be/do such and such, quietly within ourselves we know that it just wasn’t going to be and we learn to be ok with that, we’ve learned to accept ourselves as we are.

But, sometimes the thing that we are not cut out to do is something that almost everyone else does, something so commonplace that most people take it for granted as being a normal part of life. And yet, for whatever reason it’s something that we cannot do. And the sooner we face the reality of our situation, the better off we will be, because then we can get on to dealing with the parts of life that we are able to work with.

Happily for most people, they can have a few drinks and then say that’s enough. A few might frequently get shit faced, perhaps out of boredom or because they are disgusted with life or themselves. Let’s face it, facing the challenges and disappointments of life is not easy.

A Dozen Less One

Well I’m glad you got your priorities in order the message I hear is: Buy, buy, buy.
So much of today’s pop music reminds me of the backdrop for commercials, I don’t know if I’m hearing a song or a commercial.

Do you get to read Drogzen poetry on the air? Do you get to play your favorite Tibetan chants?

Yeah I know, entertainment: This is the entertained generation. I would bet that the only sensibilities that the artists you listed have, are no sensibilities.

There is no deeper guiding light in their lives that illuminates their direction in life. Thus they have no other recourse but to echo the same business line: Buy, buy, buy; have fun; don’t worry if your life seems empty and void of meaning; you can always get more stuff.

I just don’t see much difference in government (whether its Republicrate or Demorican) and big business. And frankly, I don’t get this “eco<-->dialog” thing (nor the “capitalist<-->commie” thing, for that matter). Do you sincerely believe that the majority of the media do not put out the basic message that business wants us to hear?

For me it’s about deep listening. Listening with compassion, hearing the pain that another may be in. Listening with patience, knowing that we cannot solve their problems for them. Listening with encouragement, that their greater reality will shine forth in their life in the way that they understand, in the way that they need.

I guess for some people religion is their path to the Highest Truth. For others, religion is the path that Highest Truth takes to enter our hearts, our lives.

As a younger man, I admit, I had dreams of saving people, helping the world. And I thought: if only people lived The (Buddha) Way, how much happier they would be. How foolish I was.

Now, not necessarily any wiser, I just try to treasure each person and their vision of life that they have for themselves. Prajna is a greater wisdom that I shall ever possess, but perhaps it’s in the beauty of our foibles that we are lead through its grace.

The Transformation

A big part of your problem here is that you seem to be working with a number of people who have quite a few prejudices, about both life and people. Apparently, they have this idealized vision of what life and people are suppose to be like, and whatever doesn’t fit in with that vision is wrong.

Such people believe that we are all suppose to have a body that works a certain way, that we are all suppose to have productive lives – preferably with jobs, I imagine – and that we are all suppose to live to be a certain age. And whatever doesn’t meet their model of what life and people are “suppose” to be like is viewed as being less than normal.

Perhaps some think that not being normal is just a tough break, while others see it as being bad, or a punishment from God (because of sin) or from Karma (because of evil done in a past life). But, they all have the same vision in mind: this is not how a person is suppose to be. And, as I say, such a view is prejudiced, short sighted, and narrow-minded.

There are several different situations that I would like to talk about briefly. Some mention people born with handicaps and jump on the “punishment” bandwagon right away. Whereas I can think of many good reasons why someone might be born with a handicap. For instance, someone who is just embarking upon a series of human lives might be frightened of such a momentous undertaking, so they might prefer to watch life from the sidelines just to get the feel of it and to see how its done. They might choose to be just cared for, feeling that they are not ready yet to leap into action.

Or, another person in the similar disabled situation might have led a former life that was very active – perhaps having done many beneficial things – and may need to take a break and lead a much less active life. They might still want to be around but unable to do much – a sort of forced vacation.

Another person in the same situation may have spent a good part of a former life caring for others and may want a life where they are the one being cared for, for a change.

Another might have so much energy, ambition and drive that they need a handicap to slow them up.

I don’t see any of these situations involving punishments from a previous life. I see them as showing that people have free will to lead the lives that are important and meaningful for them. And unless you hold up an arbitrary ruler to them that says they must be this way or that, they seem like very acceptable, valid, worthwhile lives to me.

You see, when you have the option of having more than one life, you can choose to devote a life to a great and challenging learning experience because in the next life you can do something completely different.

Some inevitably mention the case of the little boy who died too young. Please understand that not everyone wants to grow up or grow old. Again, this may have been someone who is just getting the feel of what physical life is about. They may have just wanted to test the waters and then get out and evaluate things before going for a longer life.

This may have been someone who came to deliver a message, perhaps to the parents. Message having been delivered, the child may not have wanted to stay around, with all the great work that life requires. Who knows, it may have been a very important message for all that it involved.

This is my own story from when I was in a similar situation. (I have memories of several of my lives. A number of them were in the Far East.) After several lives in succession in which I was a samurai (really, little more than a poor gangster with a sword), I really wanted to have a life of wealth and position, so I arranged to be born to a rich nobleman.

My father dotted over me quite a bit, he loved me tremendously. While I had all the toys to play with that a child could want, as I went along I could see that I was being groomed to be in the position of a nobleman. I could see that I would be playing a role in life; in short I would have very little freedom, always having to curb my activities to conform to my position of nobility. True I would be wealthy, but I would not be free.

At about eleven years old I bailed, I couldn’t go through with it. My father had bought me a pony. I went out riding, got thrown, and my neck was broken, I died instantly. I did not consciously try to die; it was an accident that just happened. (Still, in this life I am uneasy about horses.) I was the heir and my father was utterly heartbroken to have lost me. I felt very bad about the whole thing, but I just couldn’t go through with it. I am truly sorry for the grief I caused him. But, so you see, there may be many reason why the young shall die when they do.

If you believe that we are only these egos that inhabit fleshy containers, then I don’t think you will able to appreciate a deeper truth. But, if you can allow that we are more than these little egos whose identity we assume temporally as we take on physical life, then you must allow that this greater personality may have greater purpose for its human life than just making its ego happy.

And this greater overall purpose might include accepting challenges that are difficult, unpleasant and undesirable. Situations that no ego would want to choose, but would grow from, to become a greater person through the experience. Rather than think we are being punished when bad things happen to us, I think that it is a call to look deeper into our lives.

Sometimes we are just stopped from going further on a particular life course because we may have lost the thread of what is important for us learn in our life. Sometimes we have drawn situations and events to us that cause us grief, and we need to reflect upon our actions to understand how we are causing our own misery. But we have to allow for pain that a greater good might flourish. Some us have to go through the winter in our life in order to find the spring. I think that if we would have faith, it would be that we can and will rise to the challenges that we face.

Some of us are working with superheroes. Those people who have taken on some of the most difficult challenges that one can take on in human life. And not only must they battle with the limitations of their physical condition. They must also battle with fear, regret, self-loathing and rejection. The realm of the mind. And this is where the true battleground is laid, because their own ideas are the ones they must face and win over.

This is the heart of Buddhist practice: to realize your karma, those ideals that you cling to, and to realize the truth of freedom that transcends your little ideas. And so, for your clients, the karma that they need to transcend is not their physical limitations, but the limitations in their minds. Those ideas of selfworthlessness that they are clinging to are what bring them so much pain.

I don’t means to explain all of the horrific situations that we find on this planet. I have just been trying to give you a few examples of the greater dimensions of reality that might contribute to a few particular situations. To show you that you mustn’t presume that someone’s past or future is due to any blind payback mechanism churning out punishment.

I would say from my own experience, that when you realize the Highest Truth, you don’t experience something menacing vengeful or cruelly /coldly metering out merit and demerit. Rather, if you are open, you realize that which is profoundly beautiful, wise, and supportive. Beyond comprehension as love is beyond comprehension. Nurturing in its outlook, and understanding in its grace. Our penchant to explore every aspect of our rightful freedom, and its loving acceptance of our choice to do so, does not test it, but only bestows greater wisdom and compassion to its beauty.

The Five Reappear

I find the aspirations expressed by some authors congruent with the tradition of Theravada Buddhism view of anatta to be quite to the point as a response to the continual repetition of the “there is no self” message.

However, it has been my experience that what some are discovering is the phenomena of emptiness. And believe me, this is very powerful ju ju.

I would like to explain it this way, if you would indulge me. There is really no solid, tangible, physical world. What we perceive are atoms and molecules dancing around. Indeed are physical bodies are made of this stuff.

But really, atoms and molecules are made of even less tangible stuff, little sparks of electricity, if you will, with lots of empty space in between these little charges. In short, we are perceiving a physical reality which is really no more that a show of energy dancing on a stage of emptiness.

When, through meditation practices, the mind has been calmed sufficiently, and you let the dialog of thoughts drop away, to not rise again, then one begins to experience the physical realm as it really is. That is, you become aware of all this empty space within which the dance of the electricity of atoms occurs. The awareness of this emptiness is quite palpable. And you can be aware of it within your body as well as outside of it. One has the distinct awareness that their body is empty.

The other thing that occurs when the mind is this calm is a bit more like a psychological trick. As human beings we are very used to seeing ourselves, perceiving ourselves, as solid physical forms, not as emptiness. So when suddenly one is aware that their physical form is empty, then their ordinary view of their self is interrupted. In fact it seems as if there is nobody there.

That is, the body is perceived as being empty, as if there is nothing there at all. And the perception is then, that there is no self there. (This psychological trick is helped immensely by the mind being calmed. Because the normal flow of thoughts is interrupted, there is no longer an I/me dialog going on that one can relate to as being the self either.)

In Zen we talk about no-self and no-mind. And what we are doing in these instances is affirming this phenomenon, that there is this perception of no self and mind. And this is a very beautiful, free and wonderful way of living.

But then, we also talk about big self and big mind to affirm that there is more than meets the eye, as it were. And that is the other side of the story. Because the awareness of no-self doesn’t mean that there is no self, it just means that the self is not what you thought it was. And realizing this true self; ah!, there’s the rub.

Nine Protections

“Are we discussing Buddhism or is this just a game of one-upmanship?”

I give this a 3 out of 10, but your enthusiasm is good. Please keep trying.

When you “know” Reality, it is no longer “knowing”. It becomes something else. It is, then, becoming.


“abstinence is one of the truest forms of sexual morality”

Buddhism is not a do-it-yourself kind of thing.

This is the Jack-in-Box of Buddhism. May I have your Koan please? Life reveals itself in due course, me’ bucko.


“based upon and mired in duality is a samsaric being trapped in samsara.”

Interesting, but how do you know all this. How can you be so certain that your not Buddha, and what you see are your projections upon him?


I do have a very simple type of temple bell hanging out in front of my little cottage. (I got it at a clearance sale for a great price.)

But, I can only think of how the neighbors would feel if I was out there ringing away, at midnight, one hundred and eight times. I don’t think that I would be on their best-friends list for awhile after that.

Awakening together would be an apt phrase.

I would like to add that yes, it is very important to my own practice to make uncertainty a byword with what I learn. That is, in the sense that: Yes I have experienced this, but perhaps there is more to learn about it, more to know, perhaps I am just seeing my own baggage. Thus I practice to know it. Open to whatever is revealed to me, yet thinking that it’s not the answer, but that which, for the moment, I realize.

Undifferentiated Terrain

I guess our experience is a little bit different from one another. You are saying that your experience of true-self is that it is everything, and everything is it. This is frankly, not my experience. While I would not say that true-self is something separate from everything, I would not say that it is everything either.

In the emptiness of this no-self that you have found, what is there? Is it just awareness? Is it the everything that you mention?

In the midst of this nothing, is all that you find merely the awareness that is undifferentiated in its ceaseless knowing? In the precious moment of all, is there nothing that survives, and if something does what is it? You are a gifted, but is your vision only of the emptiness of concepts and the blackness of conception-less?

The true self that I write about is neither the self that is no-self, nor is it the self that seems to be that which is everything. Nor is it the self that comes with the knowing of pure awareness, nor is it other.

My gift to you then, is merely that which you may be aware of within the emptiness of the moment, the truth is not other, nor the same, nor is it hidden. That is the most I can say. And if this is already “apparent” to you, please then, excuse my presumption into the pristine-ness of your knowing.

When there is that which, known as true-self, is realized, the way floods forth into one’s life. And the emptiness of conception-less is illuminated by the light which appears with the knowledge of the unseeable. That which we know every day and every moment that manifests in this that we call life.