Duty in its Place

From my own personal experience, I can say that I know what you are up against; facing what looks to be a steep rollercoaster ride of intense feelings et al. And perhaps it will help you if I share a few things that I have learned along the way. (Then some Koan theory)

First off, that you have gotten to this level of awareness in your practice is a really good sign. Congratulations! Now comes the “fun” part: Working through this stuff. The crucial thing is to approach this stuff in the same way that we would ordinarily practice in Zen. That is, watch, be aware, of what is occurring with your self; letting the thoughts and feelings come and go of their own accord. Neither fixated on them to the exclusion of all else, and not ignoring them either.

I have found that it is very helpful to be aware or one’s breathing while this occurs; not so much concentrating on the breath, as just using it as a touchstone to a reality greater than the well of feelings one is cast into during these moments.

I can also affirm that sometimes the going can get rough, very rough. But, even during these times it is very important to continue the practice of objective observation, even if it seems like its just a single thread of objectivity that you are maintaining. It is when you lose that objectivity, that is when you lose your practice and then are just playing along with your own inner games.

While continuing to watch the stuff objectively lets it play itself out, you see it for what it is, the greater self grows as it realizes the shadows that it has been stringing along, and it is able to put them to rest into a new realization of the whole self.

Unfortunately, as you are now coming to realize, the shadows that the self has been stringing along can be very deep, treacherous and painful to realize. All the more important to deal with them in the light of adult sensibilities. (A lot of times this stuff is carried over from childhood: fears, unresolved dreams and intentions, family traumas and role playing, out of date ideals, all now grown useless but still clung to in ignorance.)

It is because this stuff goes so deep into the psyche that it can be so full of feeling and ferocity. Unfortunately, unless it is seen in an objective way, you just keep playing the same games over and over with it. Sometimes the names change, but the games stay the same.

And unfortunately, I have to tell you that its probably going to get worse as you go along, before it gets better. Actually it would be more accurate to say that, with me at least, I would go through some deep seated material, realizing it and letting it pass on (though the experience at the time was thoroughly gut wrenching). And then immediately afterward, experience great clarity cathartic release and then laughter at it all. And then, after some days/weeks had passed, depending on how intense I was practicing at the time, I would encounter more material (perhaps even more intensely than the previously occasion), followed again by clarity, release and laughter.

This went on over the course of a few years. And over this time, at some point I think, things got harrier than when I first started dealing with this stuff. But then at some time afterwards, things got better. That is, new material that was dredged up from my self’s realization got less and less intense, easier to let pass through and be laid to rest. Now this kind of experience rarely happens to me, there’s not much left there to be dealt with, I guess. J

To be honest, I would have never tried to get through the material I did over the course of one 40 min meditation session. I would usually spend a day long on something (sometimes not breaking for meals until very late). And sometimes it could go on for days or more, of just realizing how shitty you could be feeling. (Not just feeling bad, but feeling it objectively, breathing through it, etc).

And I don’t know if you are in a place in your life right now where you can take several days away from dire responsibilities to tackle something like this, because that’s probably what its going to take. (And you will probably need a place to practice where they won’t get worried if you seem to be acting rather emotional, ha ha.) If not now then I hope soon, because it is the path of clarity, realization and growth.

On one final note: Looking back upon the old system of the Koan, I found parallels to this same kind of work. That is, the ideal of the Koan was not just that you gave a clever answer to some preposterous question to prove that you knew something. Rather the idea was that you were suppose to find a Koan that was so meaningful to you that it did this same kind of gut wrenching activity to you.

A Koan that was so powerful that you saw it in everything in life and in realizing its answer, your world was cathartically transformed. You can read about this from some of the ancients, that this was how a Koan would be, for it to be the Koan for you.

To me, this is the same kind of work that they were talking about. Only for us, our Koan is our job, or our relationship, or our failed dreams, or whatever it is that brings the unanswerable into our lives, that causes us to look below the comforts into the depths of our being.

Good luck with whichever road you find your self on. And, since were making wish lists, I would like to add my own.

What is on my wish lists for Buddhism in the West is for lots of people to experience Enlightenment. And then, for these people to examine their experiences with a fresh perspective, and compare it with the traditional Buddhist perspective. And in this way bring a relevant interpretation to the ancient texts that reawakens them to new fullness.

To create a dialog in the West where we can begin to develop an appropriate language with which to communicate about this transcendent truth. And, begin to develop appropriate words and meanings about this ultimate Truth so we can move beyond just the approximately three words we have.