A Crack Appears at the Last Hour

What happened to you is incredibly saddening and painful, just to even read about. It is difficult to imagine the horror that you must have gone through. I know that after such an experience I would have been left with unbelievable amounts of anger and hatred. And not just toward my loser family, but towards the world in general.

I also know, having practiced meditation while in the realization of the dysfunctionality of my own family, that I would have felt tons of guilt (that there was something wrong with me that caused these events. Or that for some reason I was unworthy of being loved and wanted by my family), as well as just plain old deep emotional torment. To be honest with you, the manner in which you relate these disturbing events makes me think that perhaps its not coming from someone who has gotten over these terrors, but from someone who has learned to wear a mask of indifference over the face of unspeakable traumas.

Really, all this stuff about fearlessness. Well it just makes it sound like inside, you are quite terrified, and running like hell from fear. I certainly don’t fault you for that. I’m sure that if I were in your shoes, I would have much the same reaction, or worse.

Nevertheless, I wonder if you realize that Buddhism is not a path of escape from life and its difficulties, its pains, and sorrows. Although, I admit that this idea of escape could be read into it. Rather it is a way of living with all of those intense difficulties. That is, at least I can tell you that in the practice of Zen, you are only going to come face to face with all that pain, hatred, guilt, trauma, fear, and unbearable agony. And experience your feelings and memories to the full extent within you that they dwell.

Because, in the witnessing of this deep and profound burden, you then realize the greater you of you that transcends all this agony. And in that transcendence you will be able to lay down those terrors into the past of memories that once were but never are anymore. Without realizing the pain and torture that you have been blessed with, within the practice of meditation (watching it, letting it happen, letting it run its course as you witness it “objectively”) you will always be dragged back to it.

I realize just how very difficult this meditation is to do. It requires every bit of courage, forbearance, and strength of resolve that one can possibly muster. It will probably be the most difficult thing in your life, to do this meditation, that you can do. And it will also be the most rewarding mediation that you could ever do. And, I can also tell you that it will probably not be over very quickly either; it could take months or even years until these meditations are put to rest. Fun, huh?

Actually, it’s a lot like working out. Realizing this pain, as it comes to the surface in meditation, is like lifting weights. You start out with a little (and it feels like a lot), and then a little more, and more, then more, etc. And, although you go through the trauma while you are practicing meditation, and it doesn’t seem as if you are getting anywhere, slowly you get stronger and stronger, a little bit at a time, without even really knowing it. (Just like suddenly you look in the mirror one day and notice, hey those biceps are getting bigger.) You’ve got a big job ahead of you. But, I’m sure that this is why you are here.

I hope that I’m not making too much of a fool of myself here, because I realize that I might be telling you a bunch of stuff that you could already be fully aware of. You’re certainly old enough, and could have been practicing long enough, to have learned by now that the path of the meditation clears the heart as well as the mind.

You probably know that there are other paths that you could follow, maybe they will be easier, I don’t know. And, with whichever path you do take, you will ultimately only have yourself to answer to, for the choices that you make. There are not wrong choices, so choose whatever you choose, that is your path.

Encouraging people that there is the Highest ultimate truth to which they can awaken to. And at the same time, not encouraging them so much that they think that it is some kind of escape from this life.

Encouraging practice in this life, to realize that in this moment of life in physical reality there is as much enlightenment as in the ultimate ground. And at the same time encouraging people to go beyond the limitations that they encounter, toward their greater realization.

Many blessings to your bravery.