The EZ

There once was a time when I experimented with several types of hallucinogenic substances. Instead of looking for thrills or escape, however, it was my intention to explore and learn about life. My great fortune was in finding a guide who emphasized awareness, mindfulness, and being in the present. And, while I frequently made a complete fool of myself, he persisted in teaching me. Using the substances to shift consciousness, we heightened our awareness of the present and the world that we perceived.

It was only after several months of training that I came to understand the real value of living in the present. But, as I wasn’t the type who wanted to live his life on drugs, I began to consider other ways to help me do this. The year before, I had read several books on eastern philosophies and learned about a spiritual practice that emphasized living in the present. It was from a rather thin volume by Alan Watts on Zen. Although I had practiced Yoga meditation, on and off, for several years, I had never done any Zen. After some consideration, I decided that I would at least give it a try.

At the time, I was living in a college dorm. The school term had just begun and I could put off doing my homework for, perhaps, a couple of weeks. All I really had to do was get up and go to lectures. Even my meals would be taken care of by the cafeteria. Having already discontinued the use of the mind-altering substances, I also stopped sexual activity. I began to practice.

The first day was rather tough. I tried to live in the present, but my thoughts kept pulling me away. I tried stopping my thinking, but over and over, I found myself getting carried away. I decided to buckle down and try even harder. Proceeding step by step, from one moment to the next, I began to stop each thought as I went along.

The second day was even more difficult than the first, but I kept at it, trying to stop each thought that came along. At some point during the day I vowed to myself, in determination, that I was going to do this. And eventually, after a day long of struggle, in the late afternoon, I succeeded in stopping the thoughts in each moment. Continuously, from one moment to the next. It felt like I was climbing a very steep hill. But once I made it, looking back, it didn’t seem that difficult after all.

The next day, I began in the morning as soon as I awoke, continuing to stop the thoughts from one moment to the next. Throughout the day I did this, whether eating meals, walking to classes, whatever. Then while sitting in a lecture, something happened. As I was concentrating on myself, in order to keep the thoughts turned off, I had to simultaneously concentrate on what the professor was saying. Suddenly my consciousness shifted, growing larger and changing my viewpoint on reality. No longer in my tiny mind, I was instead seeing myself from a larger perspective. Seeing myself, practicing on myself, in my environment, continuously. From then on, this was my viewpoint.

All throughout the next day I continued to practice, easily stopping each thought that came along, one moment to the next. And after a while, I noticed that these thoughts were being held, physically, in a place inside of my head, accompanied by a feeling of tension. But, when I stopped the thoughts, the tense area became calm, relaxed and quiet. Furthermore, by concentrating on letting that area remain calm, the thinking stayed off. After awhile, however, I would discover another area in my head that was holding onto thoughts, only more quiet and subtle than the previous one. Here too, I would concentrate, let the thinking stop and then keep it relaxed. And so, further and further I went, deeper and deeper my inner calm became.

By the following day, my head was very calm inside, and I continued to concentrate on letting it remain relaxed and quiet. Rather, it was in the throat and neck where I found that tension was still being held. And so, I reached down even deeper, with concentration, so that there weren’t any thoughts held in those areas either. Finally calmed, no thoughts emerged into my consciousness. And, as I continued to practice, I would occasionally feel parts of my neck or head begin to get tense, as if they were preparing to have a thought. But, I would calm the area, before a thought could even begin. Thus, keeping them from letting a thought emerge.

I continued the practice of remaining calm during the next day as well. And with this calm mind, my awareness became more sensitive. It was then that I realized that my body was holding onto emotions and attitudes. Sensitive and aware enough to see these being held, I proceeded to calm my body of them. Step by step, seeing these tensions arise, I would let my body stop holding them, having them. My whole body became, and remained, calm and relaxed, but very aware.

As soon as I awoke the following morning, I began to notice that things were somewhat different. At first it seemed as though I must have had more energy than usual, because I felt ready to get up and go, rather than linger in bed, as was my custom. And, when I opened my eves and looked out across the room, I saw that the air had a beautiful sparkling quality to it. Then, as I got up and began to move around I became aware of a great silence in the space around my body. I was surrounded by silence, a deep peaceful silence. The physical world seemed to have a more vivid quality to it, more present and real. But, the biggest surprise came after I had been up for some time. Suddenly, I noticed that I had no self. I could see my body, and it was empty. There was no one there.

Reality seems to be so much more interesting when you are awake. It’s not just the increased awareness of sound and smell, light and space. Or the continual awareness of silence, posture, emptiness, and breath. But, by living in the present moment, I was able to witness the humor, poignancy, deep joy, compassion, and heart that pervades experience. At night, I slept easily and without dreaming.

One evening, while my roommate was out, I sat on some big cushions taking on the full lotus pose. Somehow my body just assumed the pose naturally and easily with perfect form, something I had never been able to achieve before. Sitting there I began to realize that I had thoughts still present; non-specific thoughts, almost like matter of fact knowledge that there was a world and society and so forth. Then, I began to discontinue these thoughts as well. And, as I did this, I could sense the silence of emptiness grow around me, farther and farther as I discontinued these thoughts more and more. That’s when the unexpected occurred. Around about where my body should have been, there was lots of something, I can’t explain what it was, flowing upward. And above, from where my body once was, this whatever it was seemed to be there too, almost like roman candles or fireworks going off but much more quickly and fully. That and emptiness was all there was. Somehow, I began to consider that if I continued I might not be able to get back to physical life, or at least I wasn’t certain that I would be able to. I decided that it would be prudent for me to do more investigating into what was going on before I went any further. I commenced with the “level” of thinking that I had before sitting down and returned to that same no-self way of living.

After a few more days like this, it was time for me to get back to my schoolwork. However, I had gone too far to go back to my previous habits. So, I began doing my homework without thinking. Reading and understanding without the internal dialog, or holding onto a thought. Studying ideas and philosophies with a seemingly infinite, and at the same time, non-existent mind. All without letting any thoughts arise. Wisdom and intelligence were laid before me like a banquet. I was an honors student that term.

Fortunately, I was able to continue to live this Way for several months. And, while it has not been a virtue of mine to live this Way always, nevertheless, this experience changed my life forever. Not everyone, of course, will attain the Way with their first week of practice. But, hopefully this little story will help to show what the possibilities are.