Ten Ghosts

In 1966 I began to practice meditation, just a few times a week. Then one day, early in 1973, I began to practice Zen in earnest. I began to practice continuously, moment to moment. After about five days of practicing like this, I awoke. I realized no-self, lived in emptiness, knew Buddha-mind and continual Samadhi. I lived this way, not just for a few brief moments, but as my daily life – from waking in the morning to sleep at night.

After about a week, I went “deeper” into realization and began to experience what some call “luminous emptiness”. I did this for only a few minutes. After that, I just continued to live as I described above, an “awakened one.” And, did so for several months more.

The joy of living this way was everything you’ve read about, and more. Not just the ending of suffering, but knowing an ever present bliss, realizing perfect posture at all moments, seeing the cause of any afflictions and the release from them, as well as the chain of probabilities resulting from different views; realizing the beautiful symphony of life as it expresses itself in spontaneous wonder in each moment.

As I met “normal” people, who to me seemed to be “asleep”, I realized that they were suffering, and I wanted to tell them that they didn’t need to. Life was simpler without suffering. I wanted to help them, but didn’t really know how. Just telling them about it didn’t seem like enough to help them live this way.

So in my wish to help others realize the Way that I knew, I began to experiment with myself to understand the underlying processes involved. Unfortunately, one of my experiments went awry and I acquired a bit of amnesia. This lasted for about six months, long enough for me to get out of the habit of living the Way. And, I became just another suffering person again.

After I regained my memory of how I had lived before, I once again began to practice as I remembered I had done. This time however, I choose to watch more closely what was happening to me so that I could understand the process better and thus help others learn how to do this. I practiced and practiced (and my practice was both incessant and diligent, because I knew the beauty that I was striving for, from my own first hand experience). But, I was not successful as I was before. I took a part time job after graduating from college so that I could continue with my practice devotedly.

As the years passed, I did not achieve the deeply hoped for results which I had in 1973. But, I did learn a lot about the process, and I learned about other’s practices throughout the ages and in many different religions. Several times I did regain the Way, but only for brief periods, never as my daily life. I began to do a kind of writing meditation, eventually filling up 5 or 6 file storage boxes with my muses, ideals and beliefs, and my reflections upon them. My meditation also took me deep into the roots of my own suffering – basically an unloved and unappreciated child – unraveling all of those threads until they fell from my grasp into nothingness.

In the mid 1980’s I was extremely fortunate to become an apprentice Creator. The Creators are non-physical beings who are responsible for bringing things into being. They do not work on the physical plane, but create that which may eventually find its way here. For instance, one of their creations has come down to us as what we call language.

The story of how I was invited to become an apprentice is too long to include here, unfortunately. My lessons were mainly given to me in the dream state, while I would realize them in waking reality, thinking about them, their implications, and truth, as one does with any lessons given in the classroom. Before I was allowed to use any of these great creative powers myself, I had to take a vow that I would not use my abilities to do harm to another. My creations so far have been rather crude beginner’s pieces – nothing to brag about. And, for the current time being I am not actively furthering my lessons, as I am concentrating on my other work here.

Then in the years following, in my meditation practice, I began to study the nature of the fabric of physical reality. I watched the processes of this very real illusion of reality unfold. This took several years, and was done bit by bit and from several viewpoints. Eventually I was able to understand how everything comes together to create this wonderful, and at times terrifying, experience we have that is called life. I related several of these processes on some of the threads at internet Buddhist community forums.

My meditation experiences have become deeper over the last several years. And, I finally got into studying the so-called “luminous emptiness” that I had first become acquainted with so may decades ago. I work slowly, giving myself time to reflect on an experience and its implications – thoroughly digesting it – before going onto the next deep experience.

Because I work for a living only part time, and live very reclusively, I have both the time and opportunity to do this. By dipping into the unknowable again and again, its ever-incessant beauty has become home to me. I have experienced to some small degree the fabric of its reality, its wisdom, and the joyful wealth that is its nature.

I have witnessed the transcendence of the self and also its dissolution into all. I have been very honored to have had the experiences that I have realized. While I am not a teacher, my current work is to help inspire those who are interested, to deepen their practice and to consider that there might indeed be truth worth realizing.

Needless to say, it’s been a very full life.