Muluk Alimentary

Your question is an excellent one. It reflects what I would call one of the core misunderstandings about Buddhism. (Please, this is not supposed to be a personal attack upon you in any way, but an examination of a deeper underlying assumption that many have about Buddhism.) It is very well expressed in this little story I happened to read about a Zen Center: The nuns there are told to always smile, especially when they go outside the center. Because Buddhism is supposed to make them happy, they must always be smiling. (No, I didn’t make this up.)

It is easy to see how such a philosophy can develop: Buddhism does say that if you want to be free from suffering, then you must give up clinging. And the implication is that if you are a good Buddhist then you will give up clinging, end suffering and be happy. (The fallacy being the equating of the ending suffering with happiness. Buddhism does say that you can end suffering, but it does not say that you will attain happiness.) This implication, however, is given further weight by the appearance of the Buddha, who is always depicted with that serene, peaceful look of joy on his face.

I myself suffered with this assumption for some time. One of my earliest experiences with the Way, showed me the great calm of emptiness and no-self, showed me the true transcendent nature of the mind, and I lived in the joy of the present, realized with truth in the moments of my physical life. (Please note that the Buddha does not prescribe us to practice a goal that one is to attain, He describes a (eightfold) path to living that one is to undertake. Not an endpoint, in other words, but a process.) Only after moving onto other challenges and further adventures did I realize what I had lost. And I longed, deeply, to recreate the way that I thought I had lost that was so preciously beautiful to me.

Ultimately, I went through many personal travails, questioning every part of my life and self, taking apart every bit of each moment and awareness, meditating for long hours and even days with feelings of anger and hatred and pain (as well as on unfathomable bliss). Turning the guts and mind of myself and my life experience inside out, where they could be seen in the light of present moment realization (not locked away in the cabinet of the inner soul, afraid to be touched). And while I did this over and over, relentlessly, never shying away from any experience I was having, watching it, realizing it, as it was occurring within the presence of my life, slowly my life unwound all its mysteries, its sources of anguish and fear, its unconquerable beauty and innate wisdom and compassion. Myself revealed itself to me, bit by bit. And through this process, the inner traumas worked themselves out, taking up new positions in my psyche, as being more like distant remembrances.

This was not the Zen of sudden awakening, but Zen in slow-mo. Going step by step through each bit of anger or hatred that I happened to be feeling at the time, as it was excruciatingly tearing each fiber of my (then) present experience, it was very painfully difficult. But, the higher self is greater than these momentary experiences. And so, as I watched these painful moments in my life, my highest self, slowly, was reaffirmed. And as these painful moments wore themselves out (unfueled, because I was watching them as one does in meditation: neither agreeing with them or disagreeing with them, but seeing them come and go, even if excruciatingly slowly) it was my higher sense of self that remained, in clarity, to laugh at the whole affair and feel whole in the end (though to be technically accurate there is no end). These were not “happy” times, (though my meditations always brought me to realize joy, eventually) but deep fertile times of great inner growth, realization, and awakening.

Through this process, a whole new person began to emerge. It was transcendent, and yet, not untouched by life. A greater being than my little physical life and my ego concerns. But, like a whole self, penetrating my life and at the same time not attached to it. These things are not easy to put into words. I came to recognize a real me, a true me, emerging from the mists of confusion and despair. A me that seemed more real (and more realistic) than I would have been if I were trying to be a buddha and achieve highest enlightenment. Eventually, I had to choose between being what I was, or to try to go back to that beautiful experience I had known before, when I had my first experiences (which I described at the beginning of this post). It was very tempting, because I had known such joy and peace and harmony back then. But, I also realized that I would not be me if I tried to recreate that past awakening. And that really, instead, I would prefer to be myself.

Now, in hindsight, I can see that I was trying to cling to my previous experience of Truth, instead of growing into the fullness of my true being. A whole true self that only emerged after going through all of the painful process of knowing my life, in realization, and going throughout the messy gory details. Much, much stronger and balanced and resilient, I know the beauty and wealth of my being and my life do not rely on happiness or some anticipated spiritual revelatory roller coaster ride. But on the presence of my self, and the greater truth that rings so clearly throughout.

Sure its messy and unpleasant, this growing up process that we go through. And some may prefer to go through their meditation process in a quiet dim retreat like me, while others may prefer to go through their self-realization meditations in the glare of the public eye, where unrelenting truth will smack them on the fanny in front of everyone, or the whole process will deteriorate into the realization of utter foolishness, exhausted of itself. The Buddha’s message still applies: Live your life, don’t try to escape it, but realize it with the highest transcendent truth, however your practice enables that for you, as your wellspring and your guide.


I hope that this helps you to understand, at least a little bit, that it is not just fighting, but truth becoming human becoming truth. Self, revealing itself as human, realizing itself as…